


Hot Chocolate

by A_Life_In_Color



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hot Chocolate, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I don't remember starting this but I finished it so here it is, M/M, Marshmallows, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Rated T for language, soft exy boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:12:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17463827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Life_In_Color/pseuds/A_Life_In_Color
Summary: Though he hides it well it's been a rough go for Jean. When one obnoxious teammate becomes the final straw Jean breaks down. Hurts are comforted, emotions are abundant, bargains are made, and some fluff and sweetness ensue.





	Hot Chocolate

**Author's Note:**

> I don't remember writing most of this, I woke up one morning with the notes on my phone open still and about 2,000 words written in there. I ran with it and now here we have my first work in this fandom! Hope y'all enjoy this work, if you did let me know!

After last Fridays game with ruthless and uncalled-for taunts from the Ravens team, being back at the Nest, and the dissonance within the Trojans backliners; Jeremy was impressed with the way Jean was holding up. His gut told him that the newest member of his team was not doing as well inside as he looked out though. 

Other than those three things plus the beatings everyone took from the Ravens during plays Jeremy felt like things were uneventful, even their narrow victory came with subdued emotions. The team was happy of course, but being at the Nest put a damper on everyone’s spirits.

Monday morning practice came bright and early, Jeremy was sore and bruised but ready to lead his team in getting better. 

Things seemed to be going well but he could hear whispers and hisses in the backliners group. They were working on drills for their respective positions, Jean leading the backliners in a new drill to work on aim; one he and Jeremy worked on creating together based on a Ravens drill. 

Jeremy watched during his group's water break, noticing a palpable tension between Jean and Wes, a sophomore who had thought he was entitled to be on the starting line since his first step on the Trojans court. Every time Jean set up for a shot Wes was there to say something. Jeremy knew it was malicious coming from him, he had it out for Jean because of his automatic place on the USC starting line. Jean didn’t seem to hear though, or at least he didn’t show it; award winner for best at hiding emotions. Even after rooming together for several months Jeremy still could barely read Jean who was always either stormy or stoic. Jeremy said something positive to the group then jogged back to the strikers who then worked through some possible strategies while stretching out.

It wasn’t until the end of practice when Jeremy was giving a post practice talk to the team that he realized Jean was not there while he scanned over everyone. Each individual got a small piece of their beloved captains attention while he talked, except when he stopped at Wes the smug self-satisfied look on his face told him all he needed to know about why Jean was missing. He wrapped up his spiel quickly, and excused himself to his dorm in record time. 

Jeremy walked into the dorm expecting Jean to be brooding on his bed with headphones on or just not there all together. What he didn’t expect were the sobs coming from the small dorm bathroom, loud enough that that Jeremy could hear them even with the door closed. He wasn’t sure what to do, usually if Jean was having a panic attack he would lash out physically at anyone if they came to close, but he had also never sounded so thoroughly broken before. 

“Jean?” Jeremy knocked on the door which wasn’t closed completely, unusual for Jean who tended to make sure he locked the door, shoved a towel under it, and turned the bathroom fan on to ensure no one heard him panic. A choked sound came from inside, words dying on Jeans tongue as another sob took him over. 

“Jean I’m coming in okay?” Jeremy waited for a response and when none came he opened the door to a sight that made us heart squeeze in a painful way. Jean was siting against the wall with his knees pulled up, face tucked against them. One arm was around his knees with his hand clawing at his hair, while the other was held close to his body, tucked up neatly between his torso and legs. 

“Jean?” Jeremy asked to let him know he was there. 

“No, please... no” Jean pleaded between shudders. His head shaking back and forth slowly in his knees. The sobs had been forcibly stopped but his breathing was erratic and shallow. “No, no, no” Jean continued. 

Jeremy’s heart broke a little more. He knelt down in front of Jean and hovered his hands near his head, giving Jean enough time to say or express no. When another painful sob wracked Jeans body Jeremy didn’t hesitate to place his hands on Jeans head, brushing the others hand to fall to the floor and letting his own fingers card through the silky black hair. Jeremy slid back against the opposite wall, the small space of the bathroom still keeping him close enough that his hands didn’t have to move. 

“Shhh, Jean I’m here, right here.” Jeremy slid one hand to Jeans shoulder to guide him toward himself. Right before the next series of shudders took him Jean untangled himself and fell forward into Jeremy’s lap, curling fists into his shirt and burying his face in Jeremy’s chest. 

“Jean... Jean breathe” Jeremy prompted as the sobs turned into coughing and sputtering. He rubbed his back and thought of all the times Jean was repulsed by the idea of someone touching him in any way, especially in comfort. Jeremy had no base to work from in how to comfort him in general, even less so in this way. So he went with what he felt was right and the hushing and soft words continued until the ugly sobs turned into broken whimpers; then just shaky, uneven breaths. 

“Don’t let them take me” Jean whispered into Jeremy. “please please please... please....”

Jeremy wrapped his arms tighter around Jean. “shhh, no one is going to take you. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” Jeremy whispered into Jeans hair “We’re here in LA, at USC, in our dorm bathroom. You’re a Trojan starting backliner, and you’re safe” Jeremy was trying to ground Jean with what he knew helped himself during his own panic attacks. “Come back to me Jean.” 

They sat on the bathroom floor like that for what felt like hours to Jeremy, but something inside of him was content to hold Jean forever if he could. 

“No” Jean whispered in panic when he felt Jeremy adjust. 

“I’m not going anywhere, we’ll stay here as long as you need” 

“Talk to me Jean, where did you go?” Jeremy kept his voice low and quiet. Jean shook his head slowly. He had started crying again, not the same sobs that tore at him before but silent tears with the occasional sniffle.

“It became too much. First the game, then Wes. I-“ Jean shook his head “-I... suddenly everything was just... I was just- I was there.” 

“Where?” 

“The nest” the words were barely audible. “Everything here, it-it was like I was there. The locker room, the court, it all looked like the Nest. All I could see was black and the walls they... they were closing on me and trapping me. And...” Jean gasped; violently pulling back he looked at Jeremy with wide eyes as of just realizing what was going on. “ _Merde!_ I am so sorry I left practice. Please forgive me! Please do not send me back! Wes said-“ 

 

“Jean” Jeremy cut off the rambling. Of course Wes was the last straw for Jean, Jeremy cursed himself that he didn’t realize sooner at practice. “No one is going to take you away. No one is going to send you back either. If anyone tries either of those then they have to cross me first.” Jeremy looked into Jeans eyes with determination, letting him know that he meant every word he said. “Jean I’m not mad or upset or angry or anything just because you left!” Jeremy had to pause to reign his voice back in “I was only worried. I’ve only been worried this entire time.” He finished softer, not even realizing his hands were gently cupping Jean’s face, thumbs tracing over his cheekbones. 

“You don’t mean it” Jean looked away, he knew Jeremy had no idea what he was doing to him, so caught up in the moment. Jeremy closed his eyes and took a breath. It seems the name ‘Jean’ was synonymous with pushing people away. Self-fulfilling actions to keep the pain constant. Jeremy wondered if that was conditioned by Riko or if it was Jeans way of being able to feel something, even if that something was loneliness and pain. 

“Stop that” Jeremy guided Jeans face back to look at his. “I mean every word I say. I won’t let anything harm you, no one is taking you away from me, and I promise I’m not upset.”

Jean held Jeremy’s gaze for a quick second before again averting his eyes to anywhere but Jeremy’s face. “I am so weak. I have barely been holding on this entire time. When I was there I thought about hiding from your team and staying behind, part of me felt the need to stay at the nest. I do not know why. I am sorry. I failed you and your team. Wes is right, I’m a burden to this team and you when you should be focusing on Exy and the Trojans.” Jean pulled out of Jeremy’s grip and sat back a moment before standing up and walking out of the bathroom. 

Jeremy stayed in his spot, knowing that chasing Jean would only push him further away and back into his own mind. He shook his head, the defensive part of him wanting to argue and correct Jean now but the intelligent part knowing that they both needed to cool off. He pulled out his phone and texted the only person who he could think of who may have insight into helping Jean. 

 

<Jeremy: How do u get him out of his head?>

 

<Jeremy: I want 2 help him>

 

<Jeremy: I feel like I get close then he closes up again> 

 

<Jeremy: this is Jeremy Knox, Trojans captain, btw> 

 

<Jeremy: and I’m asking about Jean, sry I’m nervous> 

 

<Jeremy: can I call u in a bit actually?> 

 

<Renee: call me when you can and I’ll try to help> 

 

Jeremy stood from the bathroom floor and walked to his dresser to grab a sweatshirt. The afternoon breeze making it just chilly enough to warrant something warmer than his T-shirt. He looked over to the opposite bed to the lump under the covers, curled up and breathing slowly. Jeremy scribbled a note and stuck it on Jeans desk. 

‘I'll be back, going out for a bit’

Once Jeremy was in his car he called up Renee with fingers he didn’t know started shaking. It rang four times and with each ring Jeremy became more panicked. But when the phone picked up the bubble of tension in his chest popped. 

“Hello?!” Jeremy choked out desperately

“What do you want?” Jeremy heard on the other end a voice that he didn’t have to know Renee to know that it was definitely not Renee answering. Scuffling noises came from the other line, and then a much sweeter voice Jeremy knew was Renee answered. “Sorry about that, Andrew got to it first.”

Jeremy forgot to answer momentarily, trying to visualize Andrew and Renee together as companions, the rumors about the Foxes goalies were enumerated in the Exy media. Jeremy didn’t know what to believe but he did know that they seemed to be a weird pair regardless of their level companionship. 

“Hello? Jeremy are you still there?” 

“Yes! Sorry! Sorry, Renee hi, thank you for picking up, or well, Andrew i guess." Her laugh was like bells on the other end, Jeremy was glad she didn’t have to see his panicked and embarrassed flush. 

“Of course, calm down Jeremy I can feel your anxiety from across the country.” Jeremy laughed nervously and began to explain the basics of everything that had happened since Jean transferred to USC and what had happened today. He didn’t give a lot of detail though about Jeans breakdown other than the fact that he had one and that it was definitely the worst. 

“The best thing you can do is to just be there for him. He has a lot to work through and he will try to push you away but he doesn’t mean it.”

“But how? Do I stay there and watch him every second waiting for him to come to me?” Jeremy almost snapped, but caught himself “I’m not frustrated with him, i can’t be. He doesn’t deserve this, any of it, and I want to help and make it better but he won’t open up.” 

“You’re already doing a good job, whether you think so or not. Just be open to him, encourage him to talk. Know that he trusts you more than he let’s on.”

“Are you sure I’m the best person to be there for him? There’s not anyone who he would be more comfortable around?” 

“You’re the best for him. I know because he talks about you in almost every conversation we have. If you’re feeling brave and want to try to get him to talk I would suggest you bargain.”

“Okaaay? What do you mean?”

“Hot chocolate, preferably dark if you can find it. Marshmallows on top. Let him know that it’s out of concern and the want to help, not pity. The second he thinks you pity him he will shut down. He won’t question the cocoa though, he thinks you and I talk regularly.” 

Jeremy half smiled at his steering wheel at the thought of a bundled up Jean with a mug of hot cocoa heaped with marshmallows. “Okay. I’ll try that, thank you. Is there anything else?” 

“Just take it a day at a time, if that doesn’t work then an hour at a time, or even minute by minute.” There was a quiet pause on her end, and a tired sigh. “I have to go now, but I’m pretty sure you can handle it from here.”

Jeremy barely got to say thank you and bye before the line was cut from Renee’s end. With his wallet in hand Jeremy set out to find hot chocolate and marshmallows. 

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later Jeremy pulled back into the parking lot for the dorm with grocery bags in hand. He sighed and rested his forehead on the steering wheel for a moment before gathering his thoughts and wits and headed back up to their room. 

It was dark and the only thing that had moved was Jean, who had rolled to face the room. Jeremy put the cold things in his mini fridge and stashed the hot cocoa mix and marshmallows away until he was ready to make some. In the meantime Jeremy tried to think of ways to start the conversation. 

Thinking back to their moment in the bathroom Jeremy realized that they had both gotten closer than they would regularly be comfortable with. He was thankful for the lack of light in the room at that moment as the flush spread from his cheeks to his ears and neck thinking about Jean in his arms. Everything hit him in the face at once, the realization that having Jean in his arms earlier was something he now missed. ‘Always oblivious’ Alvarez would chide him, and now it finally clicked. He facepalmed and the snap of it elicited a small sound from the lump under the blankets on the other bed. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” Jeremy choked out looking halfway over his shoulder. 

“That’s fine. What time is it?” Jean said in the midst of a stretch. 

“Uhm, about four.” 

Jean hummed in response and rubbed his eyes. The silence stretched for a time as both boys sat not sure where to start next. Jeremy tolled his eyes at himself, quieting his internal conflict for a brief second and deciding to to just do it. 

“You don’t have any plans tonight right?” 

Jean huffed, “who me?” a weak attempt at joking. “Do I look like someone who has plans?” 

Jeremy huffed "You never know, but that's good, because you do now! I’ll be right back okay?” He jumped up from the bed, grabbing his hot chocolate supplies he walked outside their dorm to the suite kitchenette and common room they shared with the other dorm rooms that were all Trojan inhabited. He made the hot chocolate in a small pot and pulled down his and Jean's biggest mugs from the cabinet, filling them and heaping marshmallows on top. 

He shuffled back toward their room and nudged the door open with his foot, thankful now that he hadn’t shut it all the way. Taking a deep breath he moved inside and toward Jeans bed which was now empty. There was a momentary spike of unfounded panic that was put out as soon as Jean stepped out of the bathroom, who scrunched his eyebrows in question at Jeremy and came closer. “What’s this?” 

“A little bird told me you had a weak spot for hot chocolate.” Jeremy held Jeans mug out to him. “Careful, it’s hot” Jeremy cautioned then realized how silly it sounded, obviously it's hot, it's hot chocolate. 

Jean picked up the silliness of the comment and huffed a laugh. He took the mug into his hands and let the warmth deep into his incessantly cold fingers. He sat on the edge of his bed with his prize, “what’s the occasion?” 

Jeremy felt warm all over at Jeans reverence for the hot chocolate offering. “Uh, does hot chocolate need an occasion?” He was unsure of how to continue suddenly now that he was doing this whole conversation thing. 

“I guess not, but I do feel that this is something more than just surprising me with hot chocolate.” Jean raised an eyebrow at Jeremy, who at least tried to look sheepish. 

“Well actually... I uh, I wanted to make sure you were doing okay and to let you know I’m here to talk whenever and would really like to talk if you want to talk about stuff” Jeremy rambled a bit, going off script of what he had thought was planned in his head. ‘ _Oh no Jean will say no now, this is going bad’_ was the only thing going through his head.

Jean’s face fell a bit, he studied the marshmallows floating around the top. “I am fine now, it was nothing” 

Jeremy, now undeterred by Jeans pushing away thanks to Renee’s words earlier, decided to push on. “The things you said earlier, they aren’t true. You know that. You’re not a burden to this team, our team, if anything you're a blessing. And Wes, well he can just fuck off for all I care, coach and I have been planning on dealing with him and now is the final straw. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or called out but earlier...” Jeremy trailed off not knowing where he was going with this. The still functioning part of his brain took over and continued, surprising Jeremy just as much as it seemed to surprise Jean. “...I care about you Jean, and earlier made me realize that I care much more than I originally thought. I want you to know that I’m here for you, I have been this whole time but... I don’t think I’ve been doing enough to help.”

Jean hadn’t moved a muscle since Jeremy started his speech. He felt exposed like he never had before and wanted to hide away from it. He didn’t though, maybe it was exhaustion, maybe it was the hot chocolate; either way he decided he would give this to Jeremy. But first, Jeremy needed to sit, Jean was getting uncomfortable with how awkward Jeremy was at the moment just standing there unmoving with a mug in his hand. He patted the bed next to him and swore that Jeremy’s eyes lit up a little bit. 

“I am not sure where to start, my head is still spinning with all of the events that have led here, including earlier. Everything keeps getting more and more difficult to handle...” Jean wiped his eyes, this is the least control he’s ever had on his emotions, but being around Jeremy has brought his walls down just a little bit. 

“I wish I would have known, I’m always here for you ya know.” Jeremy bumped shoulders with Jean, trying to lighten the conversation a little with his tone. 

“You may have mentioned that a few times" Jean tossed back lightly, then sighed. "There is so much I could tell you right now, I just can not bring myself to yet. It is not you though Jeremy, I know you would not mean me harm, but I have lived in so much fear that I could not talk to anyone for so long now that I don’t know how to. And some of it, I do not know if I can ever talk about them, for my own safety and that of others.” Jean took several sips from his mug and deflated a bit again. 

Good, Jeremy thought, this is going better than expected. After some time and finishing their hot chocolates in quiet, interrupted only by occasional shoulder bumps, Jean set his mug down and laid back, much more vulnerable than he’d ever been with anyone before.

“You are too kind to me Jeremy.” Jean tucked his hands behind his head and let his eyes wander the room then the lines of Jeremy’s back, still upright. 

“You deserve kindness Jean. So much of it.” Jeremy set his now empty mug on the desk as well, but didn’t lay back yet, it seemed too intimate just now, though he would be perfectly happy to do so. 

Jean wanted to argue, but decided that he didn’t want to pop the fuzzy warm bubble surrounding them. Instead he started talking about whatever came to his mind. That he had nightmares almost every time he shut his eyes, how he felt about various team members, Exy strategy and drills, the things Wes said to him and his distaste for the sophomore among other things. He didn’t touch anything about the nest, the ravens, Riko, the deal that his life depends on, or any what happened there. 

Jeremy rarely interrupted, afraid that if he talked to much Jean would stop. it’s the most he had ever heard the former raven speak before at one time, if ever. After a time he moved to sit facing Jean, who hadn’t moved since laying back. Jean's talking became more intermittent, punctuated with sniffles when he got to harder topics. Jeremy looked up when Jean moved to put and arm over his face, hiding. 

“Hey” Jeremy nudged Jeans hip with his knee. Jean huffed a wet laugh. “Jean, come back.” 

“I am here” Jean peaked up at Jeremy from under his arm, it was so innocent and childlike that Jeremy couldn’t help the tiny laugh that bubbled up. 

“That’s good.” Jeremy suddenly felt like he needed to touch or hold or say something about his feelings. 

“Thank you Jeremy, for everything.” Jean whispered. Feeling the most at ease that he had in a very long time. He looked up to catch Jeremy staring at him, eyes somewhere between his lips and a thousand-yard stare. Jean lifted himself up on an arm, to catch Jeremy’s eyes with his own now. When he did the red that spread over Jeremy’s features was visible even in their unlit room.

“Jean” Jeremy barely whispered, reaching up to touch Jeans face with the back of a careful finger. Drying tear tracks gently wiped away. Jean stayed unmoving, letting him touch. He battled his fears and thoughts down until they were just a quiet murmur, focusing only on Jeremy and the warmth that was spreading throughout his own chest now.

  _I kind of wish I could kiss you_ Jeremy suddenly thought. Or at least he thought it was just a thought, the way Jean barely licked his lip and nodded once slowly made him realize he may have said it aloud. Jeremy would have been embarrassed and would have made a move to cover his face if it weren’t for Jean making the first move. He was knocked out of his stupor when Jean’s nose bumped his. It was the gentlest way he’d ever been asked for permission; he nudged back softly and captured the others lips with his. Jean pressed Jeremy down on his back without letting their lips part. When they did Jean placed a hand on Jeremy's chest, keeping him still as he sat back.

“I do not deserve this, any of it, but especially you. You are far too good for me, too good for this world.” Jean looked down where his hand was against the others chest, thumb stroking over Jeremy’s heart. He tried to bite back the panic as all the different voices inside him became louder again.

“Don’t say that. You’ve had so much done to you that you didn’t deserve, what you do deserve to be happy, you deserve all the happiness in the world.” Jeremy guided Jean down half on top of him, running fingers through his hair again, similar to earlier. This time is seemed to have the effect he wanted evidenced by Jean’s shiver. “I’ve wanted this for a long time, Jean."

“An already used and broken scrap?”

Jeremy sighed, there was no convincing Jean of anything once he let the panic take hold. But he tried anyways. “Any piece of it I can have. Whatever you’ll give me. I’m not going anywhere.” Jeremy sealed his statement with a kiss to Jeans temple and Jean hid his face in Jeremy’s neck.

Sometime later they arranged themselves a little more comfortably on Jean’s bed but stayed tangled together, sharing kisses and touches until exhaustion from the day overtook them. “Thank you for the hot chocolate” Jean mumbled into Jeremy’s cheek with a soft kiss as they drifted to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I realized that this may not be 100% edited and free of errors as I did do this in the notes on my phone. I think I mostly found them all but if there's anything glaring please PM me with what and where. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoys, kudos, comments, and messages are much appreciated and very welcome here and they keep me writing.


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